Blog

Random Acts

I had a bit of a strange week really.

On the train to work one day a young girl fainted right in front of me. I helped her regain her composure, assisted her in leaving the train and saw her on her way.

On another day I was sitting on the train when a girl got on, talking on the phone and she then burst into tears. I reached into my bag, fetched a tissue, got up handed it to her and returned to my seat. No pressure, no interest in the reason for her tears but I understood her anguish and how difficult it is to be in public, upset and without a tissue.

I’ve been on both sides though. I’ve had someone holding a door open for me as I ran through the pouring rain with a wheelie case in tow. I was a fair distance away but they gave me a big smile and said “Everyone deserves to have the door held for them at least once a day.”

I also was walked to the station a few days ago, rather than doing the familiar hurried march through the streets, staring forwards in the hope that I look determined enough not to get mugged.

These events got me thinking.

We often talk about the little things that mean a lot but in actual fact, those little things aren’t little at all. They could be the difference between serious situations and small mishaps, they could brighten someone’s day, they could even be enough to save someone’s life. The simple fact is you don’t know what the impact of a random act of kindness might be, and probably never will, but ask yourself ‘Would I rather know I did something worthwhile, or would I rather just keep myself to myself and leave them to it?’

Sure, I’ve had my share of occasions when I too have left them to it but I know that I’ve often felt bad about it afterwards. Maybe I could have done something, maybe not but if I just walked away, I failed my fellow human being.

I have been there. I have been in bad places with bad things happening and I have been totally alone. There have been times when I would have given anything for a kind word, a simple gesture, a random act.

We are all capable of it, a simple message, a smile, an offer of help no matter how small. We are all capable but we don’t all do it, now do we?

I am not beautiful…

Sometimes in life we should just learn to accept things.

I’ve been single for so many years I have to think carefully before I can count them. I have an exciting life with lots of cool twists and turns to keep me occupied and I know my strengths and weaknesses.

I know what I like and what I don’t like so I make choices to help me keep more of the ‘likes’ in my life than the ‘dislikes’. This makes me strong, independent, happy with who I am, and as a result, hopefully, fun to be around.

But something else I know is that I am not ‘beautiful’, not in the classic sense. I have good bits, same as anyone else, and sometimes I hit upon something that makes the good bits really good. Most of the time I see photos and cringe because the first thing I see is one of a whole list of bad bits.

A couple of months ago I typed out yet another profile for an internet dating site – should be easy for a writer, shouldn’t it? Well, seemingly not. You see, it’s incredibly hard to shoehorn my best bit into a piece of navel gazing prose that I know is just there for men who have no clue about me to make a judgement. Add to that the profile photo and I shiver at the prospect.

This time I used one of the wonderful photos from the shoot with Paul Simister but it was rejected. Apparently it wasn’t good enough to show ‘me’. In actual fact, they are the most amazing images in which I feel confident, more attractive than ever and I can bear to look at them without wanting to burn them. (I thank Paul at every opportunity and please do go and visit his website to see just how talented he is) In essence, those photos are me. They represent me being truthful to myself, an acceptance of who I am. Granted I’ve lost a couple of dress sizes since that day, having already lost one before that day, but the fat wasn’t who I am, it was the stuff inside that mattered. I know that now, I didn’t then.

So I still don’t have a profile photo and I still can’t justify to myself the stupid amounts of money to pay for the full membership to be judged on a photo and profile that don’t really portray me. I can’t help but question why I should pay for an experience that has only ever left me feeling humiliated, embarrassed, stupid…

Something happened recently that changed my viewpoint. It’s kind of like in a game where you press a button and suddenly you’re seeing the character through someone else’s eyes.

I do not need to hear that I am a beautiful, strong woman any more, I’m done with all the power hype because it really doesn’t work for me. I am who I am, attractive to some, charismatic, confident and probably just a bit batty. But I am not beautiful. I accept that and one day maybe I’ll be in the right place at the right time to meet someone who sees the real me and cannot walk away.

Until then, I’m fine, just enjoy my company, share my space in the world, maybe be kind if it’s in your heart to do so, but don’t feel bad for me because love comes in many guises and I don’t believe that there is always ‘the one’ for everyone. Some of us are just here for other things.

Is home where the Herts is?

Oh boy, has the last six months been tough.

I think by now most people know that I’ve left Hertfordshire behind, at least physically, and relocated to West Sussex. Six months ago I thought, yeah, it’s just bricks and mortar, it’s just a job, friends will be friends wherever they are.

And now I’m reflecting a little. A few days back I read a fabulous blog from Sarah Pinborough, about the ghost in her home (I’ve just checked and I can’t find it to link to it, if you find it, please let me know!) and it really struck home why I felt out of place in the very space that had felt ‘safe’ for so long. I’ve moved on and now there is no going back.

Now I find myself asking ‘would I want to?’

Walk with me a moment while I ponder. Back in Hertfordshire (my adopted home – I was brought up in Enfield, Middlesex) I had a busy life trying to prove my worth as an environmentalist. It was there that I took my degree, did more hours of volunteering than is probably healthy, put my professional neck on the line a little by daring to suggest to the board of the company I was working for that I had a good idea but it wasn’t to do with accountancy and I also met a huge amount of people, all of whom brought facets to my life that I never really saw coming.

And then I picked up my pen. I remembered a childhood where I dreamt of being the next Beatrix Potter, a teenage where I thought maybe I wanted to be a hardnosed journalist, except my nose wasn’t all that hard. In actual fact, it was pretty soft really, much like the rest of me. You see, life hasn’t always been that kind to me. I’ve had my share of tough times for so many different reasons and, let’s face it, with me being a writer some of those reasons have been laid bare before now. Ultimately, when I now reflect I find I am grateful. For every hurt there is a flaw within me, for every joy there is a facet.

Many ladies out there love a well cut flawless diamond. The light passes through it and gleams with perfect glory and screams ‘value’ at you. To some the value is money, to others the value is the love with which it was given – even if they bought it themselves, at least they had the belief that they were worthy of that gift to themselves.

I have no diamonds.

I have never been given anything of such high value, at least not financial value.

In reality, I’m not convinced I would actually place the same value on a diamond anyway. Maybe it’s the flawed life I’ve led along the path over every bit of rough terrain whilst affording me a view over others on the smooth path on a less steep incline, but I don’t admire a stone that is as clear as glass.

Show me a chunk of quartz with the light glinting through uneven facets, refracted by countless flaws casting rainbows and ripples of sparkle that look like angels frozen inside. Show me that and my heart reaches out. I have some kind of emotional response to the flaws inside as if they are a road map of my life so far. I imagine that as life goes on the flaws will change with me, crack, grow, present a whole other view.

So that’s kind of where I am right now.

I’m in another county in a life that’s barely recognisable but the old life is still there, hidden away inside. Every interaction I’ve ever had is etched away on my soul and won’t ever disappear. It might change as new things happen, as new people have an impact on my world and as I go out there and play the role I am here for. Without the flaws that are already there those futures wouldn’t happen anyway, at least not in the way that they are panning out now. It would all be different.

Yes I’m reflecting, but it’s a good thing. By reflecting I’m bouncing the light around and helping it to find it’s way through the prism that is me. As it comes out of the other side it’ll find itself in the new place but it will have been influenced by all the things that have gone before. If you’re reading this, chances are you’re one of those who have touched my world in some way, if that’s the case, thank you, couldn’t have done it without you – whatever ‘it’ might be! If you’re one of those I haven’t met yet, maybe our paths will cross. If they do, I hope it’s in a good way and I add value to your crystal somehow, I can pretty much guarantee you’ll make your mark on mine.

Value to me is not money, not necessarily love, although that is up there, naturally. Value to me is what we bring to each other in what ever way. The challenges and the joys all touch us in different ways. The thing that really counts is what we do. Just bear in mind that sometimes the thing to ‘do’ is nothing. Sometimes we reach a point where the universe will just handle it and all we can do is wait. That is always the hardest.

I am now waiting.

I’m waiting for the flat sale to complete, for things to settle a little more to free up the time to focus on my writing, for the ideas to flesh out a little more to drive my pen, for my heart to believe that it was the right thing to do to leave Herts behind. I miss it, that I cannot deny but that doesn’t mean it was wrong. In actual fact what it really means is that while times were tough back then I really was in the right place. I just didn’t know it.

I’m not making that mistake this time. My heart is catching up with me, and I know that people I love are just a train ride away and these days there’s always facebook and twitter for keeping in touch, right?

Herts is just a place on a map. A physical ringfence if you like. Hearts aren’t bound in that way and isn’t that really where home is?

I think so.

Good Lord, where does the time go?!

I can’t believe that my last post was a somewhat hurried Christmas card and now, here we are, beyond the Ides of March. I survived by the way, how did you get on? Good, glad to hear it!

Well, I’m fast approaching the six month mark at my new job and I still pinch myself when I think about it. It’s a great company with a truly forward thinking approach to the things that matter most and I feel privileged to be a part of it. Kind of makes the uphill struggle to get that degree and all the other stuff really worth it doesn’t it?

Get Writing was simply amazing. We had a few little hairy moments, with people struggling in the snow, technical glitches and the need to swap things around once or twice but all in all it was a fantastic day. I’ve had some incredible feedback (even calls of ‘It was the best yet!) and it looks like I’ll be doing it all over again. Course what I need now is the biggest name I can find for a star turn but heck, it’s nearly a year away, right?

But what about my writing? Well, it’s happening. I’ve had a short story accepted for the Cities of Death anthology (although I’m waiting for the email that says they found something better… confidence? What’s that?) I’m also working on a couple of short stories to sub to some other anthologies, I just need a little more spare time. Gah!

The really exciting thing though, is that whilst Libertine is still very dear to my heart, the back burner novel is now very much on the front burner. Oh it’s a stonker of a tale with Steampunk very much at its heart. The lead is a feisty lady, who is about to discover that she’s not quite the Lady she thought she was. Meet Lady Elizabeth Silverwood – the same name as my steampunk character but very different. For a start she’s very dainty and ladylike, prim and proper in every sense of the word. That is, until Lord Erasmus Silverwood and his friend Mr Darwin go missing. It’s down to our Lady to find them and trust me there will be many a buckle swashed, one or two bucca’s neered and it won’t just be Elizabeth that discovers a whole other side to her nature.

The world will be changed with the snip of a thread as we sail through skies and seas in search of truth and learn that evolution wasn’t all that was discovered on the Galapagos Islands.

I’m excited, but then, I know what’s coming don’t I?

All change

I’ve just realised how exciting my life is right now.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I forgot what’s going on but somehow, with my head in a whirl I just couldn’t quite find the space to get excited. Heck the nerves haven’t even kicked in yet.

You see, the thing is, suddenly everything is different.

For one thing, my writing life is just awesome, considering I’m not yet published in the traditional sense. I love writing for Fantasy Faction and I am stoked with the programme we have created for Get Writing 2012.

But that is not all. Oh no!

Whilst I’ve been working on all of that I’ve also been drafting CV after CV, specific ones for every job I wanted to apply for. At first it seemed that I wasn’t getting anywhere but then I am a firm believer in that saying that when it’s meant to be, it will be.

To cut a long story short I have found a fantastic job with Southern Rail. It will be a challenge, taking my environmental career to the next level but I’m excited about it, looking forward to all the new experiences I’m about to have.

I’ll also be moving home, leaving my beloved Hertfordshire behind and discovering the delights of the West Sussex countryside. Morpheus my gorgeous little black cat will be shaken for a little while, it’s a big move for a little cat but in the end, I think he’ll be happy.

I’m taking the opportunity to make some sustainable choices too. I’ll be travelling to work by rail, slashing my car use, plus I’ll be sharing a house with my newly retired mum. Sure that’s going to be a challenge after years of doing whatever I want but it has it’s advantages. Not only will it be cheaper running one house instead of two flats but it also reduces our various footprints. I’m hoping to start a new personal project (more on that soon) and also, I’ll have the freedom to spend time writing, travel a bit and more knowing that my little cat will always have someone home for him.

Of course, big changes like this mean lots of goodbyes too. I’ve met some amazing people through my work at Dorma, my membership of Verulam Writers’ Circle, East Herts Fantasy Writers, Herts & Middlesex Wildlife Trust, Badger and Bat Groups, Stevenage Council’s Tree Warden Scheme… so many friends and so little time to say goodbye to them all. So I’m not saying goodbye. These days contact is so easy with facebook, twitter, email, post, phone, travel all available. I will see everyone again, not as often as I wish I could but I am not losing friends, I’m gaining new ones. If I haven’t been able to get in touch yet, know that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you, I am well aware of the impact you’ve all had on my life and for that I thank you.

I’m writing this sitting on the train on my way to Fantasycon where I’m meeting up with people I know, people I’ve met once or twice and people I’ve only met online, just another branch of my life these days.

My future is open to offers. Seriously, how much more exciting can life get?

Cultivating Confidence

Contrary to popular belief I am not a naturally confident person. It’s taken a lot of effort to build up to change myself from a girl who spent all her time wondering what people thought of her to someone who is able to believe in what I can do.

Back in May 2009 I had my first article published in The View From Here. By now lot’s of people have read it, or heard it as it has also appeared in the Verulam Writers’ Circle anthology ‘The Archangel and the White Hart‘. A few weeks ago we had the launch party and I read it out.

As I read it occurred to me that when I wrote the article I could barely read to the circle in private for critique, let alone to perform to an audience. I grinned as I reached the sentence stating that I had just submitted my first short story. That story went to The People’s Friend and was accepted and has since been published. Imagine how I felt when the readings were done and people started coming up to me to congratulate me on the piece and to tell me that they had been inspired by it. Inspired by little old me.

I’ve been working hard on organising Get Writing 2012 and sometimes you get lost in the thick of things. There are also some huge changes coming up in my personal and work lives and you just forget to stop and appreciate where you’ve got to. So let’s have a little look.

This year I joined the staff of Fantasy Faction and took over as GW12 co-ordinator. I’ve written articles and blog posts, including my first guest blog on Steve Lockley’s Confessions of a Technophobe and even hosted a guest blog from the incredibly talented Jonathan Pinnock of ‘Mrs Darcy Versus the Aliens‘ fame. I feel like I have started to become ‘someone’ in writing.

But, something was missing. I was always using my Libertine picture as my Avatar and never used my own image. I still do use her because now she is out there and recognised. I couldn’t quite allow myself to look at a photo of me and like it. No matter how many people said how ‘nice’ any picture of me was, (you know the phrase “Ooh, that’s a NICE one of you!”), I could not see it. As a result I hide photos on facebook, have very few at home and generally avoid the stare of a lens.

I knew this would have to change. How many people in the digital age manage to be successful and anonymous? Well, I guess there’s Banksy but then his art speaks for itself. Mine doesn’t yet…

So I figured I need to get some photos sorted.

About the time I came to this conclusion I found out that Paul Simister was setting up as a professional photographer. He was starting to take some shots of friends to build up his portfolio and that included some fantastic black and white shots of a DJ which really caught my eye.

I talked to Paul and told him how I felt about posing for photographers but somehow he convinced me that this time would be different. I decided that if I was going to do this, it would be good to have some fun with it.

We did a few black and white ‘serious’ shots, in less than half an hour I’d relaxed a little and Paul managed to capture several that I was satisfied with. Then it was time to play.

One of the books I’m working on is a steampunk novel. I love the genre, there are some fantastic novels out there, the community and fashions are thriving and some of the art is just mindblowing.

My main character, Lady Elizabeth Silverwood is a staunch, strong-willed woman with an ordered world that is turned upside down. I created an outfit which represents who she is when we first meet her. The costume is starting to evolve with the character as she journeys into a dark world where murder is currency and heroes become villains. You could argue that she was doing the posing, not me. To be fair I wouldn’t argue back.

Either way, the results speak for themselves. Paul taught me how to relax and pose in front of the camera. We had a great afternoon wandering around in a local woodland, working with different locations, waiting for the light to change and the sky to present the perfect backdrop. Sure, there were moments when I wondered what the Hell I was doing there but Paul made it fun and who was I to question when he told me to look up,  turn to the side, move an arm here or there…

Believe me when I say, this is a guy that is going places. Check out his website, I’m sure you can guess which ones are me, I hope you enjoy them. When you’re done with those, look around at the others, portraits, corporate, construction, wildlife – in Paul’s hands everything is beautiful.

Guest post – The Weird and Wonderful man himself, Mr Jonathan Pinnock

First of all I’d like to thank Sandra for inviting me in as part of my Never-Ending World Blog Tour to promote my new book Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens (available at all the usual online places and in all branches of WHSmith, if you’re in the UK). I was wondering what on earth I could talk about when it struck me that Sandra has very kindly asked me to run a workshop at next year’s Get Writing conference (launching soon, check here next week) . The workshop currently has the working title of “Weird and Wonderful” and this seems like an ideal opportunity to give you a flavour of what it’s going to be about.

However, if the truth were told, right now I only have the barest idea of what shape and form the workshop’s going to take. But I’m not sure that matters. Because part of what I’m going to be saying is that the best way to release the weird and wonderful stuff inside you is to take a step into the unknown. You don’t need to know where you’re heading in order to start the journey.

If you don’t know quite where you’re going when you set off, your readers certainly won’t, and this will give your writing an extra edge right from the word go. Of course, you do have an implied contract with your readers to deliver an ending – LOL RANDOMZ is, generally speaking, not an acceptable conclusion to a story (although there are a few geniuses who can pull something like it off) – but the point is that your subconscious is utterly brilliant at making sense of things. Consider the way in which it takes the stuff floating around inside your head whilst you’re asleep and builds a narrative out of it.

I hesitated for ages before starting to write Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens, because while I was fairly certain that it was a viable concept, I had no idea where to take it. I’d written a lot of short stories by simply sitting down at the keyboard and seeing what emerged, but I’d never considered using the same technique for a full novel. It seemed crazy. But in the end I did just that: I simply sat down and started to write a few scenes, one at a time, just to get going.

Now the amazing thing about the human brain is that if you do sit down and write without any fixed plan, you introduce some unexpected democracy to it. The creative right-hand side suddenly finds itself on an even footing with the logical left-hand side and an interesting tussle starts to take place. The right-hand side will start throwing out all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff whilst the left-hand side is frantically trying to impose some discipline on it. And if you get the balance right, then you’re in business.

I don’t want to over-analyse (we are, after all, talking about a book called Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens here), but this process happened time and time again when I was writing it, both at the micro level in individual scenes and at the macro level when considering the overall story arc. Whether or not it’s worked will of course emerge over time as the sale figures come in.

Anyway, to get back to where we started, that’s the kind of thing I’ll be talking about at Get Writing: bringing democracy to the unliberated portions of your brain. Power to the cerebellum, eh?

[Links:

Mrs Darcy: http://www.mrsdarcyvsthealiens.com

Where to buy: http://www.mrsdarcyvsthealiens.com/buying.php

Wickhampedia: http://www.mrsdarcyvsthealiens.com/wiki ]

Pride and… well, me actually.

When I first took on the challenge of organising Get Writing 2012 I had no idea where it would take me. Well, I’ve already met some amazing people and launch date is looming ever closer, so I’m going to start blogging about some of our guests from my personal perspective.

And what better place to start than with Stephen King’s UK editor. Below is a message from Philippa Pride but first, let me tell you a tale of just how lovely she is.

Warning, I made an idiot of myself. Again!

It was at the York Festival of Writing, and we were just meeting up for the Gala dinner on Saturday evening. I was almost ready to go when the zip on my dress got stuck. I mean, really, what’s the worst that can happen when you are staying somewhere on your own…

Well, I’d arranged to meet my friends Susan Franklin and Lesley Eames outside the accommodation so thought, “It’s fine, they’ll help me fix it”. So I peeked outside and, true to form, I was confronted with a gathering! Now, don’t get me wrong, they were all people I was pleased to see, but maybe when my zip was functioning…

Susan and Philippa dashed to the rescue, bundled me back inside and a battle ensued. The zip was caught on a seam, it was fixed and all was well. Pride intact? Well, not mine but I’m kind of used to that!

ANYWAY!!! I digress. A course with Philippa would be money well spent, of that I am absolutely certain so please do check this out, it’s booking fast, just three weeks away:

Dear Friends of Sandra

Would you or any of your friends or clients like to come to France this September?  We are gathering at a gorgeous farmhouse in the Dordogne from 10-15 September for the next Book Doctor writing course.

It will be a wonderful opportunity to free your creativity, start or continue your book and gather some insider tips for getting it published.

For more information, contact me at philippapride@yahoo.co.uk and click on the animated gif below to go through to my website www.thebookdoctor.co.uk and on the YouTube to see a short video with me;  I’m a certified NLP Coach and Stephen King’s British editor.

There are just three rooms left now.

With best wishes from Philippa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qawl8evdIT4

For some background, this is her biog for Get Writing:

Philippa is a writing coach, publishing consultant and book editor and runs workshops in which she combines inspirational exercises for freeing creativity with the nuts and bolts of getting published.  A former commissioning editor with a major publishing house, PHILIPPA PRIDE has worked with some of the most successful writers today, including world superseller Stephen King who knows of  ‘no-one in the writing and publishing business who is better equipped to talk about and teach the art and craft of writing’.

Described by Hodder’s MD as ‘a talented spotter of new fiction, a creative editor and a terrific champion of her authors’, Philippa continues her connection with Hodder & Stoughton as Stephen King’s British editor and has branched out into coaching; she is a certified NLP Master Practitioner and NLP Coach.

I can assure you that Philippa is the most genuine lady, totally encouraging and supportive and truly inspiring. I’m hoping to book up for the next course, which will be after GW. And, of course, if you can get to the UK on February 11th 2012, she will be running a workshop for us and taking some One to Ones – not to be missed!

Confessions of a technophobe

Confessions of a technophobe.

Here is my guest blog as part of Steve Lockley’s Open House.

I am feeling rather humbled as the guests so far have been extensively published, incredibly talented people. I, on the other hand, am still finding my place…

Kid in a sweet, oops, I mean Bookshop

It’s often said that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone (cue that Paved Paradise song…)

Well, in the case of bookshops it has just been proven.

I went to Waterstone’s yesterday, not in itself an unusual occurrence but in recent weeks it has been a less than pleasurable experience. Shelves had been shuffled around in strange ways and the choices had become incredibly mainstream.

Gone were the tingles I used to get down my spine, the mouthwatering little buzz of excitement of chancing upon something new, standing there with a bundle of books to choose from, reading and rereading blurbs and openings to choose which would be next to be read.

Now I am the first to shout about the wonders of t’internet with it’s fabulous forums (Fantasy Faction being a fabulous example), societies (hello British Fantasy Society) and of course facebook and twitter for us all to play with but sometimes you just want the smell of a new book in your hand, the sight of an expanse of bookshelves crammed full of new stuff to discover.

I want the joy of hearing about what others are reading, getting a feel for what I might like but I still want the option of standing shoulder to shoulder with an stranger, poring over shelves full of the one thing we definitely have in common. It’s an unspoken camaraderie, a tiny moment of belonging albeit a brief one.

Yesterday, I got some of that thrill back again. There were new books on the shelves, series that had previously been run down to book three and nine only were once again resplendent in their completeness. Even the graphic novel section was brimming with goodies and I was reminded that whilst my basket could be filled my wallet forced a choice.

But what a lovely choice, and what a lovely couple of hours I spent making it.